I have had so many emotions running through me. It is that time of year when I worry about which teacher my children will have for the year, will they know anyone in the class, how will they change this year and so on. I know this worrying doesn't help - it only stresses me out.
On top of this, Wednesday night I decided to have a crying spell. I had gotten into Rosie's bed because I was trying to get her to sleep. I had been watching the clock and as it turned 10:14pm the tears started. You see, 10/14 is my father-in-law's birthday. He died on October 19th, nearly 10 months ago. I thought that I had dealt with it. Instead, I had swept the reality of it under a rug and had been pretending it didn't happen. I feel like much of the family has done the same but I can't answer for them.
You see, my dad and I don't have much of a relationship. He left my mom when I was four. Neither of us knows how to work through 32 years to get to now. I'm not at a place in my life to write about him, yet.
John Henry's parents took me into the family. There were many nights when we first were married that JH had to work late and his mother had things to do and Sam and I would order pizza and talk or watch tv. He treated me like a daughter and I know without a doubt that he loved me like a daughter.
He had been a kidney transplant recipient before JH and I were engaged. JH's mom and dad told the nurses that I was their daughter so that I would be allowed to see him immediately after the surgery. He had numerous medical problems but always pulled through. In October when he went into the hospital I expected him to come out in a few days and life would be back to normal. While he was having a scan, he suffered a spinal stroke. He had no movement from the shoulders down. He couldn't speak because of the breathing tube. He could answer by blinking his eyes for yes and no questions. He KNEW what was happening. When the doctor told him there wasn't anything that could be done to help him, a tear rolled down his face. He had a living will. The machines were turned off at his decision. I wanted to fight him on this but was unable. I was numb with shock at how fast this was happening. Now I'm angry with myself for atleast not telling him I didn't like this decision.
Now he's gone and I just want him back.
2 comments:
Those thoughts jump up at you and take you by surprise.
My heart hurts for you, too. I wish he could come back for you. How lovely that he treated you like a daughter.
I am sitting here crying too.
You only get one father..but for you, he came late in life. I am just so glad that you had that time with him. I know your family is still grieving.
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